User blog:Cinnabar The Evil Gem Chemist 55555555555555555550/I am really upset about something that happened today...

You never realise how much something meant to you until it's gone forever. A permanent barrier between you and the thing you liked. You take it for granted, but then it's gone and it's gone forever. I feel like I want to cry. I will not be fun for a couple of days.

The thing I'm upset about is actually a lifetime ban. I think lifetime bans are horrible and that's why we rarely dish them out here. I still remember my first lifetime ban. I was only nine and didn't really appreciate the rules laid out by the Bubble Trouble forum. Bubble Trouble was a very popular indie game at the time. And after barely 200 posts, I had accidentally broken so many rules I was slapped with a lifetime ban. I was sore for a very long time after that.

I also remember my lifetime ban from a chatroom. I was perma-banned simply because I protested about their choice of radio (rap).

But my worst lifetime ban was in 2010 when I received a lifetime ban off club penguin because my idiot neighbour thought it was funny to get on my account. (WHY DID I SAVE MY PASSWORD ON HIS COMPUTER!?) I cried that morning. It was AWFUL. I had been on CP for three years then and I had so much!

Today I received a lifetime ban on a forum I have been a very active user on for two years. A forum that meant a lot to me and I used to visit every day. But they had REALLY strict rules, at least a hundred times worse than any rules here. You got banned if you called someone an idiot.

Yesterday I got my tenth ban (3 for "trolling" which was just telling people something existed that didn't, 2 for saying "WTF" in that abbreviation, 4 for bumping a thread that was *two weeks* old and the last one because I called someone a noob!!!)

I had over 3000 posts. And today they decided as I reached ten they would dish out a lifetime ban.

I'm not going to say which forum this is.

I can't even view any of the posts anymore. I don't know how I will be remembered. Most people won't even know yet. A lot probably won't ever find out. But they won't unban me either. Will people be happy or sad when they realise? I had a lot of friends on that forum... how will they take it?

Lifetime bans are nasty. This is the fourth one I've had. And it doesn't get any better. Lifetime bans are so crushing. You realise that it is FOREVER. You can log in in thirty years and still be banned. And you never see it coming. And then it does. In two clicks a site you loved and visited all the time is barred permanently.

But you know what the worst thing is? I will forget. For the first few days I will forget that I am permanently banned and I will log on and have the crushing memories flood back when I see the message flash in my face reminding me that this is forever.

Please don't judge me for getting four lifetime bans. The first was because I was young, the second because of my neighbour, the third because the chatroom just didn't like me and now the fourth because the moderation was just too strict.

At least no one will slap a lifetime ban on me here. But let it be known that as I write this the first tears are being shed. I'm going to stop writing as I'm moving out of the "Denial" phase and I'm entering "Anger".