User blog:3primetime3/A blog post

Yea, you probably knew that this is a blog...

So it's been a long rough ride, battling with myself as my last high school semester came and passed. I know graduation's supposed to be the best day of my life, but...I felt everything but happiness that night. Reminiscing of my best and worst experiences in the last four years, I cry myself to sleep nearly everyday since June.

Letting go is something I've always had trouble about. And sometimes it truly damages me deeply. Generally I tend to get too emotional dealing with problems so I try avoiding them all together. For me, simply avoiding conflicts is the way to avoid getting hurt. What happened in my last battle IRL has decimated me emotionally, and at times my mind feels numb trying to get over it. After a few minutes or so, I find myself scrolling through Wikia pages, not knowing what I'm doing. Recently you've probably seen me make numerous changes, cluttering the RWA page these last months I've been here. Probably you guys think I'm a human bot because I can edit like one, making monotonous changes to quite a few pages. It could be because I'm braindead, refusing to think about what has happened in the past. Really, the choice is either editing or staring at a black iPad screen, daydreaming, then dozing off early each weekday throughout the summer break. Trust me, the latter choice is always tempting.

The trend of closing myself out continued. Regretfully I decided to stop participating in this wiki community since 2015-16 after another social issue, focusing only on mainspace, templates, and other content-related items. Yes, I've generally read the highlights, but never bothered to respond to them even if I had opposing viewpoints. The goal was mainly to stay away from people because I didn't want to get betrayed and backstabbed throughout my times of vulnerability. So for anyone who joined the wiki after my community retirement, I'm really sorry for not getting to know you more, and I don't know how to make it up to you guys. But I'm asking for a second chance, if I may be honored of having one. I've forgotten how caring, thoughtful, and purely amazing that CCSW has been for me. I've been selfish, thinking and editing only for myself.

Just earlier today I was reminded by two people, Leo and Brian, how amazing life is outside of my shell. Through our voice discussions on Discord this afternoon (or evening depending on time zones), the two of you guys have shown me what it means to be part of a group again, and I won't forget the memorable laughs that we've shared, from the stormy roasts to the "pairs" that need "growing." For the two of you today, from the bottom of my heart...

Thank you guys. I realize now I have a long way to go in order to become a better bureaucrat, leader, and person. But I'll get there soon enough. Right now, taking life one day at a time. One day at a time.